By A.J. Llewellyn

As a writer, I collect lines of dialogue, names, places, little snippets like a bower bird. Names particularly intrigue me as I write so many books I am constantly on the lookout for unusual first names. I don’t go for the de rigeur Duncans, Connors, Logans, Chances, Chases etc that many romance authors opt for. I guess I have been collecting names for decades because when I was writing “Black Point Surrendered” my May 1 release with DJ Manly, I remembered back in school a kid called Michael Hunt, who was called Mike naturally enough. Unfortunately his parents hadn’t thought his name through too well.

He was called Mike Cunt from the age of 9 and often went home in tears. I reached back into the future and used that name in my book.

Like I said, I beg, borrow and steal names. When I was covering the sport of boxing, I met an incredibly sexy boxer from New Zealand, a dynamic, powerful Maori named Jimmy Thunder. I asked him if I could use his name for a book character. He was thrilled. I am not sure what he would have to say about the fact that the fictional Jimmy Thunder is a retired gay for pay porn star who is happily married to  his husband and that they just happen to be vampires who live in Waikiki.

I love names and the more unusual the better. When I was a kid I went to school with a Fredrick Frogmortten. He once asked me if I thought his parents hated him. I said, “Yes.”

He became known as Freddo Frog after an Australian chocolare of the same name. Poor Fredrick. I wish I’d been kinder to him but by now he’s surely changed his name. And I didn’t give him the name in the first place. Freddo, I mean Fredrick hung out with the equally name-challenged Lucy Farkas.

Of course, kids would screech, “Lucy, Fuck us!”

Which leads me to my point. What is up with people calling their kids weird-assed names? A Swedish family is fighting the court system this week to call their kid Q. Q! My neighbor’s dog is named Q. It’s a dumb name for a child but not cruel. No, that label I’ll happily slap on the ignorant twats in New Jersey who’ve named their kid Adolf Hitler.

I met a kid called Balthazar Starblitz when I was living in London many years ago. His brothers’ names were Hugo Spinx and Fergus Pollen and their sistes were Petunia Petal and Spirit Wild. All fucked up, the bunch of ’em.

My father is a weirdo too, calling all his kids names starting with A. But at least you can’t mangle Andrew too much. My cousin Eugenia however was called Vagina. She got her revenge by becoming a successful adult. But still, she had an entire childhood to get through and she is a sort of angry adult.

Why do parents pick crappy names?

David Bowie, my childhood icon called his kid Zowie. Understandably Zowie changed it.

I am betting Apple Martin when she grows up tells her parents Chris and Gwyneth to lay off the Limoncello when they’re dreaming up more sexy names.

How about you? What is your idea of a sexy name? And a scary one?

Aloha oe,

AJ