Twas the Night Before a Redneck Christmas
by Tianna Xander

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the town,
drivers were driving their cars just like clowns.
The Santas rang bells by their buckets with flair
in hopes that some people would throw money in there.
The children were crying for electronic presents
not caring their parents were poor little peasants.
With Bubba in his t-shirt and me in my gown
we sat by the window to watch that white shit come down.

When up on the roof was raised such a racket
Bubba spit beer at the TV and hit Buddy Hacket.
I jumped from the sofa and to the window I flew
there I saw reindeer, not one but a slew.
The spotlight gleamed down on the glistening snow
giving illusions of rhinestones in the front yard below.
Then what to my startled eyes should appear
but a little fat man with a twelve pack of beer.

The ale was an off brand no doubt bitter and skunky
I grimaced at Bubba who was also quite chunky.
The little fat man gave Bubba the beer
then turned to me full of good cheer.
He winked and grinned his face filled with glee,
“Where’s your bathroom, ma’am? Have I gotta pee.”
I showed him the way as Bubba chugged his drink
it’s a good thing too because he puked in the sink.
He turned to me, his eyes red and glassy,
“Next year I’ll be sure to drink something more classy.”

I watched as he walked, stumbled and clamored
I’ll tell you the man sure as hell was hammered.
Before he went up the chimney he set down his glass,
dropped his pants and showed me his ass.
As rosy red cheeks stared me in the face
I cried out alarmed and stepped back a pace.

Out in the yard we heard a loud blast,
“I have to get going, my deer are out classed.”
He pulled up his drawers and turned with eyes wide,
“Oh, no,” he exclaimed. “I think Rudolf just died.”
As he entered the fireplace to quickly depart
he shot up the chimney with a great giant fart.

“Now Hokey! Now Pokey
Now Dumbo! Now Don!
On Surly! On Burly!
On Crapper and Jon!”

We heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“I’ll get you, you bastard you took out my light!”